A Mile Away

God willing, my son Zachary will be graduating High School in about four months. This 6 foot 1 inch mountain of a young man will take his purple and yellow cap and gown and walk across the school's 50 yard line to receive his Diploma. I have thought about this moment many times especially since the beginning of the year. SAT registrations, College applications, ordering of Year Books and new suits for the prom and homecoming fill our busy schedule now. It seems each time I see him , Zach is growing taller. The boy in his face is leaving him and the presence of a young man looms bigger and more defined each passing day. I guess if one was to ask me how I feel about all this change, the only thing I can manage to say is "It is a happy kind of sad." Tears have filled my face recently. There are times when I pass by his school on my way home and I stop and think that there is where my oldest son will graduate from. This is the building that when he looks back on his life where he will have the fondest memories of his young life. The school is only about a half mile from where I live. It may sound funny, maybe a little silly to you, but being near to where he is makes me feel a little better. Makes me feel in a small way I am still a part of his life. I think it is not until you are older that you realize how hard it is for a parent to let go and let their children do their own thing. I know that things change and that five year old boy who use to sit on the front porch waving goodbye to me on Sunday nights needs to spend time with his friends, work his part-time job, throw his shot-putt and chase his dreams. I know that. It is just true and I can understand that. I was 18 years old once too. But you know if I was to let you know what lies in my heart. It hurts a little too. There are days I wish he was five again and I could kiss him up like I used too. There are moments I wish I could tuck him in at night and he would say," tell me a story daddy". And I felt needed and that the whole world was right there at our feet, and all we really needed was to spend time with one another. But those days are gone now and those moments are embedded in my aging and aching heart and I hope in his young one. The next four months of my life I am hoping to see him throw the shot-put for spring track. The other day he told me he got his Varsity Letter. I was so proud that after I dropped him off I cried. I didn't want him to see me do this so I waited until after he was gone inside the house. I think today that Varsity letter means more to me than to him. Because it symbolizes accomplishment, it represents trying, and most of all 30 years from now when he looks back on his life hopefully he will remember all those who took the time to help him get there. Like his mother who in my humble opinion taught him the meaning of mercy and grace and what true love and care is. Like his sister whose hand he would not let go of when they were little. His Grandparents both living and non living. His Uncles and Aunts who miss and love him in New Jersey. All these kind people and many more have graced his young life with their presence with love. I know in my heart he knows this and will carry the heritage that God gave him with honor. As for myself, well I know I haven't been perfect as a Dad. I regret sometimes losing my temper with him as I have done so many times in my life with others. But God knows my heart. The Lord knows the truth and that truth is that I love my son with all my heart. I miss him as I always have the past 15 years. My heart cannot lie and if I am truthful with God and myself, there is still pain that lingers on. Please don't get me wrong, I am not looking for anyone's pity. That it is not the case here in the least. Maybe I am just an aging 44 year old man who wants to tell his son that he loves him and is proud, in a humble way, just to know him. That he still misses him every day of his life. I must let Zachary chase his dreams and follow his heart. It would be selfish of me as a dad to try and hold him back. I wouldn't want to do that even if I could. There comes a time in each parent's life where we have to stand off to the sidelines and just cheer and be there when they, our children, need us. It is not easy, is it mom and dad? The truth is, it hurts, right? I know a happy kind of sad feeling that only those who have gone through can truly understand. I know Zachary Thomas Petrecca loves me. I know that he misses me and somewhere in his heart he likes having me around. I can't imagine not having had my dad around everyday the way you didn't, my son. That is why I stayed as close to you as I could. A mile away was still too far but it was the best that I could do. I hope Zachary, when you walk down that fifty yard line on graduation day you will take a moment to think of all the days and people it took for you to get there. My wish for you is that all your dreams come true as a dad. Please remember always that you are my boy. My first son and I am so proud of you that words cannot express my truest of feelings. As I write this today tears of joy and sadness roll slowly down my face. A happy kind of sad tear that only a proud daddy could understand. Maybe one day you will understand how much you are loved. Maybe one day you will know that you were someone's son-shine of their life. Thanks for that Zach. So if you see a middle aged man sitting in the stands crying that June 2008 day. Just try and understand that it is he who is graduating that day as well. And a part of him is moving on too. I thank God for a son like you and the time we have had these past 18 years. May God grant us both strength on our new journey together and while we are apart.

I Love You Son,

 Dad

Chapter 9